It's Been Awhile
by Tim Hickey
Summary: Songfic to the song "It's Been Awhile". Angel vists Buffy's grave for the first time since he heard the news


It's Been Awhile It's Been Awhile   
  


_ It's been awhile_

_ Since I could, hold my head up high_

_ It's been awhile_

_ Since I first saw you_

  
  


He was alone, dressed all in black, blending in with the night that surrounded him. All save a white rose that he had clutched delicately in his hands. He made his way through the cemetery the stars above him sparkling like diamonds in the sky. He footfalls echoed off of headstones that he passed, the only sound being made in this whole place, a place off the dead.

  
  


_It's been awhile_

_ Since I could, stand on my own two feet again_

_ And it's been awhile_

_ Since I could call you._

  
  


It had been mear hours since he had opened his doors to find Willow in the foyer, her eyes red, her face looking so very tired. She had come to him, feeling that he deserved to know about her passing, about her sacrifice. The words she spoke were ones that he had hoped with every fabric of his being that he had hoped to never hear while he resided on this mortal plain.

  
  


_But everything I can't remember_

_ As fucked up as it all may seem_

  
  


A part of him wished that Willow had not come to tell him, that he could have been left oblivious to Buffy's sacrifice, but he knew that was just him being selfish he didn't want to go through the unbearable pain of trying to live in a world without his beloved, his very soul, his essence, his reason for being.

  
  


_The consequences that I've rendered_

_ I've stretched myself beyond my means_

  
  


The news had come as a shock to him and his friends. His friends more so than him. They all looked at her the same way, Buffy Sommers, the slayer, they looked at her like she was immortal, that sure, she took a beating from time to time, but she always got back up to kick the demon's ass just before the shot clock hit zero. But he knew better, he knew how fragile she was, how close to death she had come to so many times to escape with the help of her friends, her wits, and some luck. Unfortunately, the luck had run out, her streak had been broken and he felt partially responsible for it. If only he had stayed in Sunnydale...if only....

  
  


_It's been awhile_

_ Since I could say_

_ That I wasn't addicted and_

_ It's been awhile _

_ Since I could say I loved myself as well as_

  
  


The moon moved out from behind the thin cloud that lay in front of it, lighting the cemetary in it's pale light, making the place appear more sinister than it already was. He had spent a good portion of his immortal life in places like this, before his soul was giving back to him it would be to watch vampires rise while feeding off the night watchman. But never had there been so much fear as he moved through one, his footfalls almost silent as always. Never had there been so much fear, so much regret, so much anger.

  
  


_And it's been awhile_

_ Since I've gone and fucked things up_

_ Just like I always do_

_ It's been awhile_

_ But all that shit seemed to dissapear _

_ When I'm with you._

So much of her youth had been spent in places like this, he thought. So much of her innocence lost in this place of death. The years of her life that should have been devoted to studies and enjoying her youth, not being thrown into one life threating situation after another. She had spent her youth battling the army of the night, the demons and vampires and gods that the general public had no idea existed. The weight of the world on the shoulders of a twenty year old woman.

  
  


_But everything I can't remember_

_ As fucked up as it may seem_

_ To me_

_ The consequences that I rendered_

_ I've gone and fucked this up again._

  
  


He felt greatly responsible for the stealing of her innocence, getting involved in something that he should have been nowhere near. His selfishness, his sheer desire to be needed, to be loved once again, a love that was pure and white and golden, a complete opposite of the dark and bloodletting love that he had shared with Darla, helped to rob that innocense, stealing it away for his own personal gain.

  
  


_Why must I feel this way_

_ Just make it go away_

_ Just one more peaceful day_

  
  


He stoped in his tracks at the sight, the almost exact spot Willow had told him it would be. Th trees that overhung the grave, sheltering it from the rest. Her headstone. His eyes blurred as he read the inscription, his soul felt as if it was going to explode, his emotions tearing him up on the inside.

  
  


_It's been awhile_

_ Since I could, look at myself strait_ __

_ And it's been awhile_

_ Since I said I'm sorry_

  
  


He approached the grave, his limbs feeling numb, his head pounding, his soul screaming. Tears ran freely from his face as he looked down at the cold marble that sat in front of him.

"Buffy, " he whispered.

  
  


_It's been awhile_

_ Since I've seen the way_

_ The candles light your face_

  
  


He dropped to his knees, everything in him let go. All the sadness, the pain, the darkness, he let it flow out of him. His body buckled as he sobbed uncontrollably, feeling all the emotions that had been swirling in his head go, something that he wasn't accustomed to doing.

  
  


_It's been awhile_

_ But I can still remember just the way you taste_

  
  


" Buffy I so sorry," Angel cried deeply, his voice cracking with emotion. " I should have been here, fighting by your side, protecting you, just as I promised."

  
  


_But everything I can't remember_

_ As fucked up as it all may seem_

_ To be_

_ I know it's me_

  
  


" I was so scared to love you," he whispered. " Especially after I lost my soul. Then, the day I became human and we shared that beautiful day in each others arms, I realized that I had nothing to fear from our love. But I had time turned back, because I was scared of being human and loving you and being a liability. So I again pushed you away. I always thought that my loving you would get you killed, but now I realize that my pushing you away, my inability to stop loving you while I told myself that I didn't, got you killed."

  
  


_I cannot blame this on my father_

_ He did the best he could for me_

  
  


Angel reached his left hand out and placed it on the gravestone, the right hand still holding the white rose.

" I should never have left you, I should have stayed in the shadows of Sunnydale, but I thought that I would be more use to humanity in LA, " he said, wiping the tears from his face with his sleeve. " Now I know that I was a coward. I was so scared of loving you completely that I let it cloud my judgement and I ran, ran like a scared animal. I'm...I'm so sorry Buffy."

  
  


_It's been awhile_

_ Since I could_

_ Hold my head up high_

  
  


He lay the single white rose at the base of the headstone and quietly wept for his lost love, the only woman he truly loved. More than he could have ever loved Darla. Every fibre of his being had been totally captivated with Buffy from the moment he first saw her. When he had first seen her, so young, that innocense not yet lost, he knew that he loved her so much.

" I love you Buffy," he sighed softly, " and hopefully one day soon we will be re-united for always."

He stood, the tears falling from his face freely as he looked at her final resting place, and not for the first time, wondered why something like him, a demon who's soul should have been rotting in eternal damnation, was aloud to have been so deeply and passionately in love with Buffy. She always deserved better than he could ever have given her, but her love ran as deep for him as his did for her. Angel bent forward and kissed the gravestone.

" My soul is forever yours," he whispered, before turning away and walking back the way he had come.

  
  


_And it's been awhile _

_ Since I said I'm sorry._

  
  


**End**


End file.
